Chewing gum is one of those things that I've had a love/hate relationship with. When you're a kid sitting in church on Sunday morning, struggling not to come out of your skin because you're so freaking bored, gum is an entertainment. You can chew it until it turns into a clumpy, clay-like substance (takes a long time). Or you can blow bubbles. Or you can mold it into sticky shapes and pretend it's a slime creature from space, until your mom or grandmother catch you and make you put it back in your mouth.

These days, I have this weird reaction to gum. After a while, it starts to gag me. Also, I have this kind of TMJ thing that makes my jaw hurt after a while. I'm getting a stress headache just thinking about it.

Still, when all this talk about chewing gum in leiu of dessert started, I was onboard. I'm a bit on the husky side these days, and I figure every little bit counts. So the next time I was in the Impulse Buy Gauntlet, otherwise known as the checkout line at any grocery store, I perused the selection for gum options.

Wow there is a lot of freaking gum out there.

Then I came across these:

Dessert you can chew! Wait ...

I figured, "Dessert gum! It's like they saw me coming!" Which isn't possible, I know. I am unpredictable.

So I bought a couple of packs. I'm not much of a fan of key lime pie, so I skipped that one. I picked up Strawberry Shortcake and Mint Chocolate Chip, and could barely contain myself as I fiddled with the plastic wrapper on the outside of the packages.

Anyone else notice that the plastic wrapper on gum is suspiciously similar to the plastic wrapper on cigarrette packages?

After fifteen minutes and the use of several power tools, I was able to get to the first stick of Mint Chocolate Chip and pop it in my mouth, awaiting nirvana!

Bleh.

Ok, no problem. I'll just try the Strawberry Shortcake. I rinsed my mouth out with water, and popped in a piece of BLEH!

These are not flavors. These are chemically-enhanced assaults on all that is good and decent in the world. To label these things as "dessert" is like calling a train wreck a ride at Disney World.

Luckily I had the presence of mind to pick up a good ol' pack of WinterFresh. Pure, minty goodness covers all.

 


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Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
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