You don't normally consider the arrows that make the elevator go up and down. Nature is beautifulSo I’m learning that people are OK with digital quips, but are freaked the hell out when they happen in real life.

I’m totally quipped. Which is a pun, and is in fact funny, if only to me. But it also means that I happen to be very good with quipping it out in public, especially online. Also a pun. Also hilarious to me.

I’m kind of a “reactive” comic. If you give me something to work with, I love to take it and make it funny. Or funnier. Some of you folks are hilarious all by yourselves. You … you need help. Not you, the other you.

On Twitter or Facebook, in blogs or emails, that plays out great. But I tend to do the same thing in everyday conversation with actual, three-dimensional people, and that tends to be a lot more hit-or-miss. 

Today I was getting on an elevator, and being a nice guy who happened to be raised by my grandmother, I stood aside to let three women get on before me. As they were passing through, the doors began to close, and they had to push against them (I helped, awkwardly). They survived, FYI. Barely any limbs were severed.

Once they were aboard, I popped through and the door closed pretty quick behind me. The three women were sort of freaked about the near-door-mashing situation, and one of them “joked” that it could have killed them. And it was at that moment that I said, “That’s why I let you guys go first. This elevator has an appetite for human flesh.” 

If you’re Kevin, you are laughing hysterically on the inside right now. If you’re three women on an elevator with Kevin, you’re looking at him with horror, and expression that says, “You KNEW?!?” 

Why, WHY is it not acceptable to end your statements with “LOL” when you’re speaking aloud? I feel like we need some kind of verbal indicator of humor here. You can’t just laugh, you know. That just makes you sound maniacal and insane, especially when you’re in a tight, enclosed space with three women who think you may actually have tried to sacrifice them to a possessed and hungry elevator. 

LOL.

See? That says “I’m kidding” in a fun, whimsical, abbreviated way. And only slightly creepy and disturbing, which is all you can ask for, really.