Science says my mirror is malfunctioning and I can communicate with dolphins

I may have body image issues. Or maybe I have a malfunctioning mirror. Either of those could be accurate, according to science, which is anything we decide it will be. Thanks, public education system! 

But when I look in the mirror in the morning, I'm lookin' fine. Not "Oh, I look fine enough to go out, I suppose." I mean, "What specimen of man is this! Who is this adonis before me! Where did he get that hair? And look at those bulging biceps!" My brain seems to edit out my mid-section pretty well, and that's the whole reason I have it.  

Then I leave my bathroom and venture out into the world, where I catch occasional glimpses of myself in reflective surfaces. Real-world reflective services, as everyone knows, are highly accurate in their depiction of what we look like. And so, when I see the protrusion of "me" bulging outward, making my clothes look terrible, making me look like an ambulatory volleyball, I can only conclude that I either eat too many chicken wings or my mirror is a lying jerk.

And everyone knows you can't eat too many chicken wings. 

I'm just not physically active enough. It's true my diet could be better, but it's actually not as bad as I let on. I love veggies. I tend to avoid sodas. I don't eat a ton of fried foods (hardly any these days). I've minimized the bad stuff, honestly. My calorie intake for a day tends to be kind of low. But I'm not moving around enough.

I think swimming would be a good way to go. No sweating in swimming, which is a great way to get me to do just about anything. Plus, I have a special place in my heart for swimming pools. So I'm thinking of getting a membership at a local pool and doing some laps, maybe get some color while I trim some pounds. Maybe I'll get some cool sun highlights in my hair. Maybe I'll gain the ability to telepathically communicate with dolphins. These are the wonders of science as I define it.